Suburban Lawyer Rants by Jason T Olivier

Cats can lick themselves. Politicians wish they could lick themselves, but have to pay other people to do it. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CAT AND A POLITICIAN? One acts aloof. Every now and then he walks by you and gives you a rub as if to say "yeah, I know you are there." You get excited and go to return the love, and off he walks. You stand there amazed when you catch him doing something, because most of the time he is just a pillow that eats and poops. You spend your hard earned money on him and he acts as though he deserves it. You try to interact with him, but he has the attention span of a ADD kindergarten-er on Red Bull. Why do we put up with these creatures? We complain how they tear up our stuff, crap in our house, take all our time and money- but when its there time to go WE GET ANOTHER ONE. And the other- is a cat.

I am pretty sure that you can tell by first grade whether your kid will be a lawyer. Here are some example response to a basic question, and you can see trends. The question was " what is 2+2 ?" Children predisposed to be doctors would gather with other children, come up with the answer of 4 , and each one would want individual credit. Liberal presidential candidates tended to assert that this was OBVIOUSLY a problem they inherited from a previous first grader and that the answer was 4 BUT they were going to add 4 more to it for your own good. Children pre-disposed to work in sales answered that it was 8 , but for today only they would give you an answer of 4 if they got credit for it today. Children destined for the food services industry were unable to even identify the problem UNLESS you showed it to them on a flat piece of thin laminated plastic with a picture over it.   They tended to just push the picture with their finger, thinking that -itself-

What a rude term.  How did it make it into our vernacular? How do I explain this to my three young kids?   " W hat T he F art?" or " W ill T ype for F ood?"   But the urban dictionary, the coldest slap in the face on how old you are getting, now defines it among other things as a flacid... uh... male appendage. Great.  Now nothing is sacred. Anyway, I am a 20+ year semi-rural lawyer saddled with a high IQ and a thankless job.   My rants should be both random and mind-expanding.   Or not. So please check back with me.   And if you have a subject you want me to rant on, I promise it will be interesting and maybe even funny. Oooooo. " W as T hat F unny?"  That works for me .